The chicken never made it across the road. Some fucker in a 4x4 ran it down because they were ignorant assholes who couldn't be bothered to slow down a little,
Dracula walks into a bar and says "Hello there landlord, I would like a cup of boiling water please" and the lardlord says "Why the hell d'you want that Dracula?" and Dracula brings out a used tampon and says "I just fancy a cup of tea."
A nun gets into a cab and the driver keeps staring at her through the rear view mirror. "You know, Sister," the cab driver says, "I hope you aren't too offended, but I've always had this fantasy of getting a blowjob from a nun."
The nun thinks for a moment and says, "I'm not too offended. I just have two requirements. One, that you be single, and two, that you be Catholic."
"Oh yes, Sister, I am single and Catholic," the cab drive replies, so they pull into an alley and the nun proceeds to satisfy the cab driver orally. After they're done, the cab driver begins laughing.
"What's so funny?" the nun asks. "Ha ha!" the cab driver annnounces, "I fooled you sister. The truth is I'm really married and I'm Jewish!"
"That's okay," the nun replies, "My name is Bob and I'm on my way to a fancy dress party."
A woman posts an ad in the news paper that looks like this... 'Looking for man with these qualifications; won't beat me up; or run away from me and is great in bed.'
She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but met someone perfect at her door one day.
The man she met said, "Hi, I'm Bob. I have no arms so I won't beat you up and no legs so I won't run away."
So the lady says, "What makes you think you are great in bed?"
Bob replies, "I rang the door bell didn't I?"
Two nuns are driving down the road and dracula lands on their bonnet, one nun yells "QUICK! Show him your cross" and the other screams "GET OFF MY FUCKING CAR!".
HUSBAND: Shall we try a different position tonight?
WIFE: That's a bloody good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I slump across the sofa, pick my nose and fart.