Festus is a hermaphrodite. The only thing it can reproduce is excrement, snot and earwax with a liberal dose of bile.
It also suffers from a severe schizo-affective, bi-polar disorder with a little bit of socio-psychopathy for good order.
Did you know that Festus once kept the bass player of a band that you probably have never heard of captive in his front room for 4 pain-staking hours?
The bastard also keeps giving me half-assed pop-music as presents: so far he has tried to educate me in the ways of "Anastacia" and "The Spice Girls". He was also responsible for giving me Celine Dion's "Power of Love" album at a period of my life where I was very susceptible to the suggestion of unscrupulous parties.
I have since learned better.
I discovered today the story of one Festus Agrippa Roberts who worked the Gloucester - Sharpness Canal (UK), starting as a Cabin Boy but elevating in time to Sea Captain.
The poor man died when his ship capsized of the coast of Ireland.
So - a famous Festus!
We have been resigned to Festus for a long time now.
If any obese people want to abuse Festus please click on the "Ask Us" link, select his name from the drop-down box and fill your insult into the space provided.
It should get to him right away! Many thanks.
Having swamped this noble website with a plethora mindless rubbish and filth, I have decided to resign my commission. So, I write about fat chicks, fat geezers, dog shit, farts and STD's - for what? For people like you herberts to ignore and generally dismiss. Whats wrong with you? Can you not see how gifted and talented I am? I am wasted here. Three doctorates, four MA's and a Tesco Clubcard and I'm reduced to this. Well, bugger it - I'm off to take up my new post as Jeffrey Archer's proctologist - so I'm going to be very busy.
Must go now, my depot injection is due!
Hee, hee, hee hee! I'm not Napoleon - I'm his bunion!
Thank you all those who mailed begging me to stay. Well, thanks to Bertha Morpenthwaite of Cleckheaton anyway (bloody old slapper!). Life without Festus would have too much for her, she threatened suicide with athlete's foot! Well the bloody festive bloody season is bloody well with us again. More lumpy gravy, rock hard sprouts and stuffing that tastes like wood shavings. Ho ho fucking ho!I hate Santa and hope his balls atrophy. See you outside the Abattoir's Arms Bertha. The pork scratchings are on you!
Does anybody really care?
I said at the time, it's just another rat deserting a sinking ship.
Don't worry everyone, I'm bailing the water out to the last...
It is with a heavy heart and absolute boredome that I, Festus hangs up his Pentium 4. Workload and returning sanity mean that I must bid farewell to the good ship Boggoblin; long may she sail into purgatory's embrace. So, adieu my many fans - Gertie and Gladys. Be well all and think of my as you drift into another drunken stupor.
Bye - Love you all. XXX
Mzebonga is an asshole! No rat is leaving this hole ridden tub - no rat with any decency would reside here anyway. No, its time for this old fart to move on! I do have other responsibilites and maybe I can "guest" from time to time. Mind you, if the miserable bastard is going to take that attitude - bollocks to him!
Deja Vu?? Not at all!
History can only repeat itself so many times; then it reaches the point of no return.
To maintain the spirit and integrity, (what a bloody joke!) of the site - it is time to do the right thing and bow out.
I accept that there is now NO PLACE for Festus, its time he got real, got a grip and - not before time - grew up.
Thanks all - do not despair the other crazies will more than satisfy your thirst for depravity
Festus has gone and come back more times than Caurderoy.
And like this amazing material I've always been overjoyed at the return.
Nah nah nah!
2 weeks dipshit!!
(Got to be a record)
Joy of joys! He has come unto us to grant us further anecdotes, trully, this is a glorious day, I think one for the guiness books.
They more he runs, the more I miss him.
Hey. I haven't quit in ages. Man, I'm slipping - George and JCP will be getting worried. Mzebonga will be hoping that for once I mean it!
Actually, I have some things to get on with so, I am taking an early summer break.
Don't start without me.
*Thrashing away furiously* Wait sorry?! DON'T start was that?
Festus was gone for nearly a week! Round of applause ladies and Gentlemen!!!!
George. You should know better than to believe anything Festus says!
It may appear gibberish, garbled incoherence, but there is meaning; what it means – who knows?
Struggling to make sense of the seemingly absurd – we think. ‘What is he on about?’
Don’t ask me; I only write the stuff.
Know what I mean?
Some possible answers:
- He's giving us insight into the mind of an intoxicated person who has access to the internet. (As if Mzebonga isn’t enough.)
- Aliens and how they're trying to take over the planet by disguising themselves as burnt out light bulbs.
- How he's on drugs and refusing to admit he is because then he'd have to share them with the rest of us and let's face it, he doesn't like to share.
- Life, the universe and everything. (Who isn't?)
- Lord of the Rings movies that make you feel like suddenly you need to DO something with your life that MEANS something. Then, you remember you're not a hobbit, no one has ever given you anything magical, and walking to the corner shop doesn't count as an epic adventure. Right after that, you watch the movies again because hey, they were great!
- George. (Yea, you LOVE him.)
Gone off somewhere to be old.