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Dog Poop

Regarding matters in the nature of bio-artificial replication. I now turn to that dreadful reproduction known as the synthetic Dog's Turd. Why don't they smell? Dog's shit stinks!! Also, why do they resemble either a Walnut Whip or a handful of Hair Mousse? Surely with todays technological advances there are ways and means of raising a "poochie pong". And what about artificial steam? A steaming turd would be much more realistic. Still, at least they manage to make them glisten nowadays! So much for the Dog's Bollocks!!!!

Posted by Festus on Wednesday, 16th January 2002

Are there many things worse than stepping a heap of dog's shit duly deposited in the middle of the the pavement? People who allow their hapless muts to do this should be flayed alive - or receive a public birching! The worst is when some twat tries to stop Rover dumping on the path and drags him along leaving a trail of shit right down the centre aisle! Unfortunately, with much of today's modern footwear, trying to get the foul mess out of the treads is a bloody nightmare.

Posted by Festus on Friday, 2nd May 2003

Dogs on Wheels

Why would anyone put a dog on wheels? It's hardly Lee Majors style. It's a bit more Soapbox Derby.

How do they brake going downhill?

Posted by Mzebonga on Thursday, 1st June 2006

I believe I may be able to shed some light on this.
You want to see the poor bastard take a dump, puts a whole new meaning to re-tread.

Posted by Festus on Thursday, 1st June 2006

You may be wondering what we are on about?
Well - sometimes - when a mutt loses the use of its back legs the owners may decided to fit a trolley device to support the canines back end. The front legs/paws drag the back legs along on wheels. See?
Now, some folk are not comfortable with this as there is a belief that it does not improve the hapless hounds quality of life. I have very mixed feelings about this as it is often done to 'ease the owners conscience'.
However, I have also heard that many dogs adapt quite well to this bizarre configuration.
Obviously, there is no cocking of the leg to piss; alas the wheels do not cock!
George will take one look at that word and go into ecstasy.

Posted by Festus on Thursday, 1st June 2006

Pooper Scoopers

Have you ever watched some dog walkers scooping up their faithful hounds crap? It is a revelation. Many are very furtive about it and try to do it without being noticed. They look round guiltily as they attempt to bag the turds. It's like they are on some covert operation. Like MI5 on shit patrol. Of course that's all well and good if the dog has obliged with a good solid lump which might swiftly be bagged swiftly and smoothly. But, like us, dogs can have off days. A bad batch of Chum or Pal; perhaps they'd had a rough night? But when a dog gets Montezuma's Revenge - it's messy. Now - bag that! There's the loyal owner trying to scrape this mess up whilst heaving their guts up at the same time. Best to set the mut up with a colostomy! Or - shoot the bugger! More to follow . . .

Posted by Festus on Sunday, 17th November 2002

Now, where was I?
Oh yes; then there's the 'whistler' who gaily sweeps their pile of shit into a semi-transparent platic bag; proudly exhibiting their mut's excrement to all. Then full of joy and happiness they wind the little bag around their index finger and swing it around whilst continuing to whistle. They are so overwhelmed by the ecstacy of Fido's dump that it must be visible and/or apparent to all. Fido eager to please his ebullient master then busts a gut trying to shit again. At which point said master berates the muddled mut and kicks it squarely up the bum-hole.

Posted by Festus on Monday, 18th November 2002

Now, my favourite. The good, dilligent owner who scoops the poop at all cost. Some people are just plain crazy.
Poochie runs well up into the grass verge where the long grass and/or shrubbery is and gives it his best - a real vein buster! Well concealed and pretty considerate really - off piste as it were: not too likely to get trod in. Good old Poochie! Bit on the runny side but in the rough. Then Poochie's walker desperate that Poochie has wronged, tries to retrieve this well hidden mess. Frantically clawing at the undergrowth, the bag covered hand attempts to salvage some of this viscous slop. The end result is more grass and mud than crap.
Why, for fuck's sake? It strikes me as so pointless. I insist that any dog's shit on a public walk-way should be cleared up immediately, but to scrabble around in the long grass where it is out of sight and pretty "safe". Well, they're fanatics! Leave it for crying out loud!

Posted by Festus on Monday, 18th November 2002

Toy Dogs

I have nothing against any animal. Really, I don't. I even like the Platypus. But there comes a point when you have to look at people and say "why did you breed that?"

Schitzus and varieties of Poodles and such... What do they do? They're too small. Small dogs don't look good. You want the German attack dog variety. The kinda that rip people's arms off when you command and play fetch with whole trees.

Posted by Mzebonga on Thursday, 17th February 2005